@DocAtCDI

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

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@SirFlushaLot

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

@AbbyHasIssues

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

@ozzyunc

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@QwertyJones3

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

@rad_milk

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

@weinerdog4life

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

@donniepeeler

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.