@DocAtCDI

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

@robocreep

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

@goldengateblond

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

@StoneAgeRadio13

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

@Quartzjixler

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

@mrjohndarby

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

@longwall26

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana