I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?


I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.


My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.


The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.


*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*


Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex


You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac


haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in


My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana