I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
gm
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
c’mon!
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.