I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.