I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
You Might Also Like
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Isn’t
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner