I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
You Might Also Like
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Britain be like
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner