I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.