I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.