I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
they really do be looking like this
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order