I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl