I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout