I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.