Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.