I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
You Might Also Like
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”