@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

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@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@GrantTanaka

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@Jandalize

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

@rachelle_mandik

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

@BringDaNoyz

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

@noneofyours99

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@batkaren

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.