@UnFitz Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
@Bob_Janke I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
You Might Also Like
@UnFitz 
@GrantTanaka [dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
@DurtMcHurtt [dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
@Jandalize I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
@Rollmaninoz Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
@rachelle_mandik let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
@BringDaNoyz ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
@noneofyours99 Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
@DanMentos “I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
@batkaren “Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.