I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.