@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

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@HalifaxEditor

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

@iliezabeth

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@dance_blessed

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

@BoomBoomBetty

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.