If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.