I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Shower sex be like:
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.