I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m not stressed
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so