I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
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went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park