I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.