I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip