I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The Assassin.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Hotels are back
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)