I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Miscakes
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Aight bet
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata