I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.