@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

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@TwoSapphiresBlu

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

@bananagrvyrd

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

@bigpoppadrunk

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

@Book_Krazy

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

@aidanjsears

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

@FredTaming

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@kenradio

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

@rockymomax

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa