I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

You Might Also Like


“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff


Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree


Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it


Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males


*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel


[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off


Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?


No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..


[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa