i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I don’t hate children, just yours.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.