I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.