@XplodingUnicorn

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

@eleniZarro

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

@carlyken

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

@KateWhineHall

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

@StinkyGr33n

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

@ddsmidt

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

@newLettuce

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why