I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Well, that didn’t work.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
next question.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.