I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
tell em, edith-anne
ACED my prostate exam!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain