I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
A little too much information.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!