I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
How do you call a meerkat?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.
Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
i baked you a cake
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that