I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
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mom had nothing to worry about
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I love the National Park Service.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?