I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I think this should do it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Best mom ever 😂
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween