I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Breaking news:
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen