I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first