I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?