I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
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[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.