I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.