I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.