I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.