I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july