I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”