I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
This is amazing.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.