I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
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VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms