I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Milk Cube
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.