I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Pizza is an emotion right?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.