I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
accurate
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Warm pools make me nervous.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
💯😂
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night