@MicheleAKALips

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

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@david8hughes

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

@4SLars

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

@cepheusjackson

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@jakelikesnaps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

@IamEnidColeslaw

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@clindsaysway

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.