I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade


Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.


ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!


*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying


[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.


the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials


That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.


[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”


Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.