I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.