I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

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I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.


Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?


My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.


I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.


Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.


FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone


Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*


So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.


In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham