I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.