“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
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This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Ha.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Breaking news:
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.