@BruceForce

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

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@chuuew

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@Tmoney68

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

@clichedout

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

@joe_binkley

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

@fridaycandy

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

@ShawnIzadi

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@FillWerrell

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.