I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.