I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.