I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
181.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Inside you there are two wolves
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip